The Dreamer and the Pendulum

The death sentence is declared. And I am left with two minutes of life.
The blade approaches and I watch its movement, like a pendulum above my head.
My words fall short, and rhyme escapes my thought.
No time to musically adjust them, so I burst them, wild and blunt.
The feeling of helplessness does not escape me. For I watch this beast approaching with his jaws wide open and his fangs desiring my flesh.
I feel his breath,
The stinking breath and I cannot look away.
Instead I look at it in the eye. The bloodshot eye. And I see the blade. Unmoving, unscathed, unaffected by my courage.
They say in moments like this, heroes and cowards part way.
I believe cowards would be winners.

I break down and start weeping.
Not because the blade scares me.
Not because death scares me.
Because there’s so much more I wanted to do.
So much more I wanted to say.
So many promises I had to keep, and so many apologies I had to make.

I say a prayer for those who love me,
For I fear I might have not loved them enough.
And I wish in desperate hope that one day they would realize how much they meant for me.
I say a prayer for my mother and father.
I might have been too hard on them
I might have been ungrateful.
I have broken their hearts Oh so many times,
And if only I had a little bit more to  them try to mend them, and soothe them.
But it remains a desperate hope.

I think of my friends, and I see them smiling.
Looking at me, with tears in their eyes,
They know what awaits me, but try to make it easiest for me.
They know tears cut me, and crying breaks me,
And they try to control it.
But I break down.
For so many times I have cried in front of them, showed my tears and allowed them to flow.
So many times they have been my shoulder, but not once had I seen their tears.
And it kills me a second death…

And then, I say a prayer to you.
So many feelings I have felt but could not elaborate.
I could not burst them, for I loved you too much.
You have saved me from myself.
The dark dwelling of my being.
You gave a name for my existence,
And a meaning to my life.

I do not say I am sorry.
and the crying turns to laughter,
I smile when I recall your face.
And I say thank you.

Thank you for loving me,
For being my one and only.
Thank you for every smile,
And every tear and every moment.
You have made my life worthwhile.
And now as the seconds tick away,
And my life withers, I see that I have lived a good life,
Having had you near me,
To love and to cherish.

Your lips have been my remedy in the times to pass,
And so they shall save me the suffering to come.

I think of your kiss, and the blade cuts my throat.
And I do not feel a thing.

October 2009

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